My religious epiphany

I have decided to start a religion.

I've had a bit of experience in the area; strict catholic upbringing, studied and practiced Buddhist meditation for a couple of years, been practicing the ancient traditions of yoga for a while now, and I've watched the whole series of 'John Saffron vs. God' on SBS. My religious epiphany has come at just the right time, I think, and I'm pretty certain that it will benefit the whole athletics community. I'm not expecting any credit for this discovery, I just hope that the world can now believe as I do.

'Why now?', I'm sure you are muttering at your screen - and with just cause. Well, it all started last night when I ran not as well as I hoped in Celle Ligure. It was an absolutely amazing night for athletics. A balmy 27 degrees and no wind whatsoever. I warmed up fantastically and was as ready as 16 year old about to hit up underage Metro in Melbourne, had a solid field and some people to chase. The scene was set to run fast. And I didn't. 50.27, 3rd place.

Not a disgrace, but not what I wanted. Everything seemed to be in the right place, but once again I have been reminded of how cruel this sport can be. Which got me thinking...

We train our arses off right? Do the right thing to be the best we can with what we are given. So what gives when we don't get what we have worked so hard towards? I've learned over the years that patience is more important than some of your best training sessions when it comes to competition, so I can't be too down about last night's run. I must take it gracefully like the wise old man I am and try to have faith in myself that the times will come with patience and confidence. And then it hit me.... Faith!

So often in track and field shit happens (see above). There seems no rhyme or reason to it sometimes, and most objective approaches fall well short of any decent explanation. So what are we left with when things go down that are seemingly 'beyond our control'? Faith: belief that the work we have done will pay off and we will get the results we deserve. Faith; a complete and unconditional trust in our coaches and ourselves that the countless hours in the gym and on the track will take us toward attaining our goals. Faith: understanding that with the good comes the bad and that armed with patience and unwavering belief we shall stand strong against adversity. FAITH!!!

We are flirting way too much with religion here, ladies and gents. So let's embrace it. I'm starting a religion.
We need a name. Some respect must be paid to our Greek origins, I think, so I have come up with: Olympianity.

I'm not down with a single omnipotent deity, so polytheism it is, with Gods for each respective event. The Gods of Olympianity include Edwin Moses (I think we all suspected him being a God anyway), Carl Lewis, Emil Zatopek, Al Oerter, and Irina Szerwinska, just to name a few. Some Gods still walk the earth (track) today and can be seen doing ancient tribal dances on the start line, and holding sacred poses of pointing up to the sky with both hands as so summon the Gods of the past.

As true believers of Olympianity, we shall have special diets of protein and complex carbohydrates and in special days of importance we shall sacrifice our bodies and eat extremely uncomfortable and high levels sodium bicarbonate or beetroot juice extract so as to prove our faith and allegiance to the Gods. We shall but have only one day rest a week from the excruciating physical tasks of this religion, and on this day we shall rest and eat chocolate. An event of the highest significance occurs every four years, where believers either compete, or leave other daily activities behind to watch those compete and support the beautiful festival of Olympianity; the Olympics.

Luckily, the Gods of Olympianity have sent down special messengers to help guide us on our path. They are called Coaches. The word of the Gods is to be spoken through these Coaches and they must be treated with the highest respect. In times of pain, we may not understand some of the messages that are passed through these Coaches, but we must have faith that at times of celebration and of special festivals, like the Olympics, that the word of the Gods shows it's purpose and is good.

And finally, there is the 10 Commandments of Olympianity, not because i'm copying Christianity's '10 Commandments' but because there are 10 events in the decathlon.

1. Thou shall not cheat, ever.

2. Thou shall have overdeveloped gluteus maximus', gastrocnemius', and erector spinae, and know what these are.

3. Thou shalt use their religion to get out of things they don't want to do only when it involves; 1. Ex-girlfriend/boyfriends, 2. Late assignments, 3. 6 x 300 with 3 minutes rest, or 4. Work on Sundays.

4. Thou shalt not argue with thy Coach, unless they tell them to do another 300 rep on top of the session plan.

5. Thou shall look after thy body with massages and physio and recovery smoothies with blueberries.

6. Thou shall endlessly thank thy parents for all the time and money put into their faith, even if they don't win a diamond league and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

7. Thou shalt not tweet or Facebook boring information about training sessions that only them and their coach care about.

8. Thou shalt rest on the scheduled rest days and eat chocolate.

9. Though shalt avoid all cliches when being interviewed by the media.

10. Thou shalt, at all times, believe in oneself and be positive about the progression and nature in which their path to athletic enlightenment takes place. Furthermore, understand that their path, although confusing at times, is ultimately good and is always directed toward the believer being a better person.


  1. You're a prophet, BJ... but I confess my faith has lapsed recently. Shall I pray towards Mexico City or sacrifice a pair of spikes to Kipketer?


Post a Comment

Popular Posts